everyone's a fucking critic

EARLIER THIS week i received an innocent phone call from a lady enquiring into whether or not she was able to bring her gluten intolerant friend to my caf to enjoy a breakfast. When she received my reply of “im sorry, but we don’t offer GF bread” to the question “I was just wondering if you offer GF bread”, she fucking lost it. Going on about how its a disgrace we don’t accomodate for the small percentage of people who are unfortunate enough to not enjoy regular bread. I tried to talk some sense into the bitch by explaining, “mate, thats just how we roll”, but that did not go down too well, as it led her to URBANSPOON to launch yet another, cowardly, slanderous act.

HER REACTION just totally caught me off guard, it seemed extremely over the top and childish. I shouldn’t be expected to apologise, right? I mean, we just don’t offer GF products, so tough luck to her and her friend.

IMHO, these ‘complainers’ will be the bain of my existence. Why take time out of your day to bitch and complain about something you have absolutely no control over, or even possible changing in the slightest way. What the fuck does this woman think she can gain from writing such idiotic words about us - Its obvious, she can’t gain a god-damn thing. Now I guess this is what I am doing, having a whine about peoples actions, when these words will never really change anyones attitude, but sometimes it is nice to ‘let the bitch have it’ from the safety of my desk. I, however, would not publicly defame someone for just running a business, even if I disagree with their ethos. I’m just far too classy for that…

PROUD FUCKIN’ Mary’s. What a lass.

I AVOIDED this place like one would avoid chlamydia for so, so long. Only because of, and i will be honest, most ‘normal’ folk I had spoken to, painted it out to be complete pretentious rubbish… Oh how I wish I told them to fuck off.

I FINALLY decided to take a long weekend, to get away from the office for a while and just chill the heck out. So once the saturday trade ended i had myself 2 whole days to enjoy as much, or as little, of life as I could. Now I don’t know why, maybe it was the universe calling out to me, yelling “DONT BE SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT”, but that first monday of freedom took me over to collingwood to a cute little table in the sun at Proud Mary’s.

I HAVE been to a shit ton of cafe’s in my time, and never have I been treated so well. They were insanely prompt with menu’s, water etc, thy sourced out papers for me, but most importantly, they did not judge me when ordering a milkshake (that is another post for another day, my friends)

THE COFFEE was insane, smooth, clean, black and short. The breakfast, out of this world, but the staff are truly what make Mary so god damn Proud.

IF YOU can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I’ll see you on monday, Mary.

IT HAS come to my attention lately that i am completely useless in quite a few parts of life. These being friendships, relationships, finances, attitude problems (occasionally) and family shit. I am just rather hopeless at keeping it all together sometimes, mainly because, i just dont give a fuck, however, when it comes to running a cafe, i think have my shit down pat, and that feels damn good.

I TRULY feel like I belong in this industry and everyday I do my best to keep a high standard, and always learn through other like-minded people, whether regulars or staff, I find something in everyone that speaks to me in a way i could not find in any other work environment.

I AM honoured to be involved in, to remain anonymous, the caf I am involved with, and its great to have at least the work side of my life sorted. It has been a longweekend for me so no anecdotes im afraid.

BACK TO it tomorrow…

ALL OF us in the service industry can relate with one another on the hatred shared for these women. We see it everyday, around 10.30am. They stroll in, chin up, eyes darting around the room in search for the most inconvenient place to park their prams. Today, two mothers thought it would be a grand idea to leave them completely blocking the front door, just left there for all to evade cautiously, as they had children attached. 

THEY ENTERED, sat down, and waited. I approached and enquired into what their plans for the morning where. They needed coffee, in T/A cups ofcourse. I made their weak sk lattes and tried to get them on their way. They continued to sit, taking up a table, kids running amok making a mess of whatever they could, for the next 15 minutes. Meanwhile my wonderful regulars narrowly avoiding death stares from these mothers, just in order to get the lazy mid-morning fix.

AFTER THEY paid for their caffeine (or lack-there-of) and baby cinos, they slowly exited the cafe, barging through a flock of waiting customers with no sign of remorse. Let me remind you there was a child in one of these prams, left out side, blocking the entrance, in the freezing cold. Are these people really raising the future of our society? 

BUT I guess, what else should i expect from the southern suburbs. 

NOT ONLY are they all rude, abrupt and expectant, they are absolutely lacking in the common courtesy department. I hope one day they learn, but for now, i must grin and bare these idiots as i speak through a fake smile and pretend i give a flying fuck.

OCCASIONALLY I will post a story or 2 from my day, just to shed light on the ignorance and down right rudeness of everyday people. Before I get into my anecdotal delights, I will first explain that I believe the source of this ignorance and poor attitude stems for a severe lacking in knowledge of what it is like to work in the service industry, this being hospitality and retail.

I HAVE worked in both over the x number of years I have been in the workforce, mainly hospitality, and I believe in that time I’ve seen it all. I’m lucky to have learnt, at quite an early age, how to judge a persons character, and i put it down to this one simple rule. If a person looks, talks or acts like a cunt, they are then most definately, a cunt.

Just like this one old lady I had an encounter with this afternoon during the lunch rush at work. As soon as i spotted her, i knew she would, for the afternoon atleast, be the bain of my existence. The conversation went something like this -

Me - “hey, how are we”

Bitch - “i need some menu’s to take outside”

Me - “we don’t actually have any printed menu’s. Its all written up on the blackboard on the back wall”

Bitch - “last time i was here we were given menu’s”

Me - “thats strange, we’ve never had printed menu’s, we’ve always gone with the blackboard approach”

Bitch - “no, no, we definitely were given printed menu’s. It must have been before you were here”

Me - “ahh, i see. Take a seat”

LET ME back up a little. I will not tell you were i work, its a nice place, simple, laid back and very little attitude. We welcome in all walks of life to share our love for food, coffee and all things rad, so when I am faced with people like this particular lady, I get extremely frustrated, and can’t help but try and figure her out.

FOR THIS to make any kind of sense you will need to know that I have been involved with my place of work long before it opened. I remember walking into the space for the first time and seeing the gravel that laid beneath my feet transformed into one of the most exquisite paved floors I have ever seen. I was a part of designing the bar, the kitchen, choosing tables, selecting our suppliers, and of course, writing the menu.

NOW SHE had no way of knowing this, for this was obviously her first time, so I do feel a little bad for being this harsh on the poor lass, but seriously folks, why act like that. On paper it may not look like such a confrontation, but after working my ass off for nearly a complete year to get this place to where it is today, I do feel a tad insulted when this ignoramus of a woman tries to undermine my knowledge of what feels like my own business.

SORRY LADY, you’re wrong. Hit the road.

URBANSPOON and I go way back. For many people, myself included, it was used as a very useful tool to gain insight into the various options for drinking and dining in whichever area you happened to find yourself in. These days, however, I am constantly shocked by the way in which people use this ever popular resource.

NORMAL, everyday people, hiding behind computer screens, voicing their opinions on the quality of other peoples hard work. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? - well, i think things are getting slightly out of hand.

TAKE a user-review done by ‘Sneedy’ on the charming Milkwood in Brunswick’s east - i have no affiliation with this premises - for example.

“what is going on in melbourne? why are so many people raving - and crowding into - so many overrated, forgettable cafes? why are so many opening on nicholson st? pope joan - yawn. finally got to milkwood. had to queue - bad sign already. unsmiling waitress (foreshadowing).

very loud, rather small space. i’m sick of those box shelves on every wall in every cafe - is there only one designer doing cafe interiors in this town? or just lots of designers with one idea? it was a fresh idea for about 5 minutes ten years ago. it’s a cookie-cutter cliche now.there was a bit of a wait for menus, and a much longer wait for things to arrive - far too long. the soy chai was dreadful; the cappucino not great. the porridge was good; the tuna melt, not very exciting to start with, was spoiled by too much onion.too long a wait to be offered a second coffee, and the requested refill of water (directed to unsmiling waitress) was met with a sort of slightly aggrieved surprise and was never fulfilled anyway.and the final disappointment: my ‘thank you’ after paying the bill was met with silence - not even eye contact - by - yes you’ve guessed it the unsmiling waitress (the one with the mole - get over yourself babe).

so that’s a scratch. ”

HOW FUCKING rude is this bloke? i would just like to note that the date this Sneedy character signed up to URBANSPOON was 4/03/11, mere minutes before posting this slanderous opinion. I say opinion because in no way was this a review. I see this so often. Lonely, low-life, elitist cowards signing up only to slag off someones hard work from well inside the safety and comfort of their own home, just to get a brief, and i guess extremely needed, sense of self-worth. I see it as there being an extremely fine line between constructively criticising a sub-par experience at an eatery and just being a down right cunt. Sneedy was a down right cunt.  

MY POINT is this - a cafe, especially in melbourne, is the final product of many many months of hard work, planning, trying and failing. On the inside, cafe staff, managers, owners, friends and family are there day in, day out, working as hard as they physically can to provide the best service, best product and best experience possible. 98% of the time, we are winning, but sometimes we all fall behind.. wether it letting a not-so-up-to-scratch coffee go out, or forgetting to smile after accepting a payment for a bill. This has happened to me, and every single other person i have worked with, we are all human after all.

I WOULD just like people to respect and appreciate who’s house they are in. Opening a cafe is a very personal thing, and when it finally comes to opening those doors, it really is like you are inviting people into your home. The last thing you want is for complete strangers to be taking your generosity for granted and then going on to a public forum, defaming you for all to see.

SNEEDY… quit it!

MILKWOOD, keep doing what you do best.